My dad used to say I didn’t know what I want, I was always jumping from one thing to another. I couldn’t stay at a job for too long, couldn’t keep a hobby, couldn’t finish an idea that started with enthusiasm. He said, “You just need to stick with one thing and stay in it.” Thought something was wrong with me - why couldn’t I ever settle? Eventually, I stopped questioning and put on a rebellious persona. No one should come near me, I’d leave sooner or later anyway. I even pictured myself dressed in all black and rode a motorcycle.
Now, at the age of 47, I finally understand myself more. Not that I cannot settle, but it is because I know what I don’t want that I keep jumping from one thing to another. Why waste time on something I didn’t enjoy?
The thing about advice, you cannot fully trust it even if it’s from someone you admire and respect. There is no one person who shares the same perspective as you; not even sibling or spouse.
I have two friends that are successful at what they do. Few years ago we met up one evening, I expressed to them that there’s a desire to have a book of my photography work, but didn’t have time to go through my archive. At the time, Henri, my youngest daughter, was 2 years old. Most of my time was spent taking care of her and tried to work in between. One of the friends said to me, “You just need to go do it. Sleep late if you have to. Spend less time with your family and get it done.” The other friend chimed it, “Yeah, my husband goes to sleep while I stay up late to work.” I didn’t have an immediate respond - words were traveling through my head 1000 mph, my heart was beating faster and faster, the palm of my hands were wet. I’m actually experiencing it all over again as I’m typing this out.
I grew up with parents that didn’t allow for self expression. If it’s not something they liked to hear, such as wanting to go to a small art college instead of USC, I would immediately get shut out. My mom would get upset and not talk to me for few days. So I lack the tools to explain myself or to share my views since a very young age.
That evening with the two friends ended awkwardly. It was really hard to put up a smile as they charged at me with what I needed to do to meet my goal. I was hurt, shamed, and again being told I wasn’t doing enough. At the time, I thought, as a tired mom I just wanted to sleep.
A year later, I met a new friend; also successful at what he’s doing. He said to me, “You have all these followers, you should spend your time giving knowledge. You can make so much money!” I replied, “That’s not how I want to make money though. I want to continue in photography.” He pressed on, said I could miss out on tens of thousands of dollars by not monetizing through social media followers. I couldn’t respond back, my brain wasn’t processing my feelings and thoughts fast enough. Again, it ended awkwardly and I left feeling not being understood.
I disconnected from those friends and wrapped myself tightly in a protective bubble. Shortly after, the pandemic hit and we were in lockdown. Perfect timing to not talk to anyone and to reflect. I went through cycle of anger, compassion, hate, and forgiving. Solace finally came after a year of isolation.
Advice, I believe, always comes from good intention. Someone wants you to do better and have better. For that, I am grateful. But good, useful advice should meet where the advisee is and not where the adviser is. Meaning, it’s not an useful advice if Bill Gates tells me I should leave my family for a week, get a cabin and just read and think like he does.
The two friends at the time, one was in her mid-20s, not married, no kids, and another one had already married to her husband for more than a decade. To work until late and not spend time with loved ones perhaps worked for them. I, on the other hand, had a young marriage and a young kid. Coming from a previous broken marriage, it was important for me to spend time with my family. My priorities and where I was in life were very different from my friends.
The guy friend, at the time, was gaining traction from social media and he was excited. For me, I had already went through a phase of social media fame and it’s just not where I wanted to continue to go. It was draining to put up a perfect-life persona online. It’s ok to miss out on tens of thousands of dollars if I am a happier person now.
Those two experiences taught me that when family and friends give advice, try to remember they come from a loving place and not react through the lens of the wounded child. It’s not easy as I am conditioned to it, so I am careful with who to seek advice from. Regardless the person is successful or wise, if he/she has a strong personality and not sensitive enough that triggers my childhood trauma, perhaps that person is not the right fit. I have a non-official advisory board now with family and friends that are open minded, smart, gentle, and most importantly know who I am. It has been so much better for my mental health. Another great thing learned from the experiences is how to offer my advice now. I find myself being more sensitive and asking more questions, listen carefully, so I know where the person’s mindset is. I didn’t have this skill set before, but truly happy to practice it whenever the chance arises.
These days, when someone sends me their advice, my reply is, “Thank you for the advice.”
I get you !! A few people with good intensions; also like to give me advices.. even though I didn’t ask for help 😛.. In the back of my mind, I am thinking, let see if you can do what you say if you are a mom of 2 with a business to run.. lol . They must think I am a robot that doesn’t get tired. But I guess if more then 3 people pointed out the same things about you then it’s worth it to listen and reevaluated the situations .. now that I am older, I can take constructive criticism more effectively..
Wow. I feel like what you wrote is a mirrored reflection of what's been on my mind lately. Particularly this part resonates so much: "But good, useful advice should meet where the advisee is and not where the adviser is." This feels like what true empathy is.