Before getting into today’s post.
1) If you have not read the previous post, it’s better to start there first before scrolling down. 2) Apologize to those who were waiting the past two weeks for an update. My little one caught a cold and was home for almost two weeks.
During mid-September, one of the exercises from the book I was reading, The Artist’s Way, was to time travel and list out old enemies of my creative self-worth. The author wrote, “Your historic monsters are the building blocks of your core negative beliefs. (Yes, rotten Sister Ann Rita from 5th grade does count, and the rotten thing she said to you does matter. Put her in.)” As I searched through my memory, things that I suppressed for so long came back to the surface.
Elementary school, 7 or 8 years old Bonnie entered a Christmas card competition and she won! There was a picture of her sitting with a teacher waiting to receive the award, but she didn’t look happy or excited. Truth is, little Bonnie didn’t draw the Christmas card, her dad did. Her dad thought “let me do it for you, it’ll be way better and you’ll win this.” Of course, dad did it out of good intention, but the action took away a creative experience from her. And an idea was planted - she’s not good enough.
I contemplated on the newly surfaced memory for few days. What can I do to give that experience back to little me? Make Christmas cards, of course! Took out some paper, pen, paint, and highlighter. No clue what I was doing at first, just splashing paint here and there. Then I picked up a pink highlighter, held up a piece of paper and started hitting it with the tip of the pen like a punching bag. The more I hit, the faster I went, my body heat was rising. In my head I said, “Oh yeah, I’m not good enough? Here you go. Is this good enough??” I did it with 14 pieces of paper and, oof, that released so much toxins out of me.
Although that was a good art therapy session, I couldn’t gift family and friends my angry Christmas cards. I took some long, slow deep breaths, meditated, and began channeling little Bonnie. Ok, what medium would she use. Color pencils. What would she draw? A Christmas tree. Little Bonnie smiled.
Since then, I painted almost everyday. Curiosity keeps growing and creative ideas keep pouring in to the point of needing to close my portal in order to do basic house chores. Who knew such a small incident in life could be such huge creative block?
Actions we take and words we say have consequences, even when we mean well. I learned to examine my advice to people before words come out of my mouth. Am I adding to their experience or am I taking it away? Am I serving them or serving my ego? My tendency to please often made me quick to help, but later realized by making it easy for someone I had taken away their chance to learn.
More next time.
Every time you share I learn something about myself as an artist, and a mother. I've played both roles in this scenario... but I will not do it again to my children. Thank you for sharing. Now, I must get onto making a few Christmas cards :)
<3 Your Christmas Tree drawings.